Before I begin I would like to make clear to the reader something very definite about the rising of kundalini. I would like to state that I am ‘no’ expert on such matters and only want to share a small portion of what ‘I’ have experienced.
I believe humanity is on the cusp of a great shift rising into a Higher-Consciousness. And many who are attempting to ‘better’ themselves by putting effort into their everyday lives with spirituality, will be given grace to help forward them quicker along the path. Swami (Sathya Sai Baba) told these words; (Don’t waste time its approaching fast. Try hard because the harder one tries the greater the reward.)
The reason why I am mentioning this along with the kundalini is to help those who maybe at this time in need of it! I also believe there are many kundalini’s starting to slowly awaken, as this is the start for the preparation of the Great shift.
Not long ago I was experiencing some very serious and unsettling occurrences within body and mind and it affected me terribly, and still it continues today but not as bad thank God. Though thankfully I do get reprieves, but then without warning and mostly always at night it will strike. In fact, on many occasions I truly thought at times I was going to die. My heart would practically leap out of my chest and this sometimes continued for hours, and the tears they would abruptly run free with uncontrollable sobs, and the sobs would be for my lord (Baba). Even my breathing I was having trouble with, it was as though my lungs was being starved of oxygen. Sitting in meditation sometimes would give relief, but then again at times meditation would only cause worse events to occur and I have to lay down flat.
Paranoia also would hit and I would feel that everybody was against me. I would even feel a slight burning sensation in the lower back region and sometimes it would rise with a feeling of movement, yes, ‘movement’. There are other things I could also elaborate on but will refrain from doing so at this time.
One morning after a long episode of this through the night I finally went to a doctor. He then sent me to a Specialist where I was put under multiple tests and everything came back normal. Even my blood pressure was perfect the doctor said, no symptoms of anything serious (or) of a concern whatsoever. A great relief I must say. Though in my mind I knew what I was going through but just didn’t want to believe it, unless of course Sathya Sai Baba verified it directly, then and only then would I be at peace by surrendering to it. Yet at a later date Swami did verify it but still when it struck, doubts once again troubled me. A couple of nights later the symptoms hit me again and it was much worse, only this time I really felt my end has come.
Then I called out loud to Swami under my breath. I asked what is happening to me, please Swami help me; He responded without delay in showing His compassion. He appeared and gave me His beautiful smile. But as I looked upon His Divine form, I could not believe what I was seeing; He had big black ants crawling all over His body including on His head. I was overcome with emotion in seeing the Lord. But, I needed more, I needed to know what was happening. Why am I going through this and what is the meaning of the ants? Then a most glorious Divine form appeared. It was Lord Shiva Himself come to verify the ‘THOUGHT’ that was put in my mind days before – KUNDALINI.
The ants is the sign of every nerve in my body feeling as though being bitten by ants. After this all anxiety left me immediately. Now when it strikes, I simply surrender to Swami in saying I’m in your hands, whatever happens is Your Will.
When ones awakening comes about and the kundalini starts to stir, one then begins to suffer through different stages. This suffering is all due to the death of the lower-self (ego). Through countless lives the ego (person with name and form) strengthens to the degree where they believe they are nothing more than body with name. But only until the Lord Wills it, does he/she then begin their journey back to Him. This may take a further number of incarnations or it may come about much quicker, depending on grace and one’s efforts.
Everyone sooner or later undergoes an awakening change which then brings deeper questions to one’s mind. Questions never before thought of; what is life all about – am I destined to die only – what happens when we die – there must be more to life than what we are told, what is God, who is God. And it goes on. But nevertheless, the mind starts probing deeper and deeper which then starts the ‘awakening’. This is truly Grace in itself. I was told not to fear but be happy with what I am going through. And I am happy, happy also when I get a reprieve. But then when it strikes all happiness is lost, fear and paranoia reign supreme.
The death of the ego … the ego does NOT want to die. It clings, it hangs on wanting admiration, wanting life, it wants attention from everyone, this is the ego. It belongs to the material world where it thrives on and in all material things only. But one day it has to go, it MUST go and this is where Grace comes to us. No one can accomplish this alone no matter who they are, only with God’s Grace can one win the battle against the lower self (ego) … but to win grace one must first put in effort in wanting to realize ones True-Self.
looking at myself
Truly I say, it’s much like we are two separate entities, the Big Self AND, the little self (ego). And yet the ego MUST die because the ego is NOT who we really are.
This night (2019) as I sat in meditation and slowly drifted, I then heard a whimpering. Someone crying as if in distress and at times it got a little louder seeking my attention. Thinking it maybe a lost spirit as I have conducted rescues in the past, or really guiding spirit into the light where loved ones were waiting is a better explanation; I called out to this unseen person, who is it that I can hear. No one answered. So I called again and then the darkness slowly dispersed a little until finally I could see who it was. Shocked struck me, it was “ME” … it was me that I was looking at and ‘me’ was looking back at me.
Then it hit me; Swami has said that the ego is much like a separate entity, and yet it is a part of us, it takes over when we enter this physical world. This little ego knew his time was fast approaching and he feared for his survival. I even felt pity for it, because it began crying hysterically as if it wanted me to caress it and comfort it. But then sense came to me that ‘no’, I must not fall for it and I must let it go, it must go and Swami was showing me in the best way possible for my own understanding of what the ego is and (if), I want it to remain or not. He was giving me a choice. The love of a Divine mother, this is our Swami.
It’s still with me though this is just the beginning, now the real fight begins because I now know what I must do. I don’t want it it has to go!!!
One thing for certain is everyone’s experiences is NOT the same when the kundalini starts to awaken; similar maybe but not the same. Therefore I say with no ego in mind, by writing out my experiences it is helping (me) to better understand the things I am going through. And hopefully, will also help the reader to come to their own understanding of things. But of course, if anyone is having difficulties with their heart or with their breathing, do not dare sit idle and think it’s your kundalini, no, you must go to a doctor to make sure it’s nothing serious!!! Only until then can you start to look further towards the kundalini.
Fear also is an obstacle in which I must eliminate, and eliminate it I must do in this life while I’m given the wonderful opportunity. I have seen this obstacle in my dream, it’s a large boulder on the path I am treading blocking my way. And further down Swami is standing there waiting.
So in this life I must defeat it. The test I am given is to totally Surrender unto the lord. And the only way for me to win over it is to face it head on in the knowledge that I am not alone, Swami is with me as He is with EVERYONE. And what better way to fight fear, but by facing the very worst kind? This is another story I may tell next. OMSAIRAM